Junyyaarrrrrrr

Yes... yes I am a junior... SPOILER ALERT: this post is a lot bit depressing so if you expect the usual happiness, I can fully say that I am in a dark mood and needed a bit of releasing... It's not like anyone really reads these, I just find that publishing these to the public eye makes me feel better, even if it is rather anonymous. so.. I might as well start. Reason #1 for dark mood: my mother... I would swear if I could, but I'd never go as far as to say any so horrible about her. I know she thinks she's "helping me get on the right track" but that's total bullshit. And the horrible terrible thing that happened today confirms my sad but self-diagnosed theory that she could very well be the reason that I would go insane. And I mean literally insane. Today she came back from a retreat and said hi. I was on a website (9GAG) and she saw one post and went ballistic about how my mind is in the gutter and I'm a horrible person and she kept comparing me to a child sitting in the gutter eating garbage... seriously? People do worse things everyday and they talk about it like normal people. (lemme just declare that there is absolutely nothing wrong with watching... well you know... it's just a way to release tension and stuff. Personally I would hate it if my life revolved around sex, but that is the sad truth of this world) I think I snapped. Just from her insinuations that I'm doing horrible things, her lack of trust in me, my past (traumatizing) experiences of this nature, and the fact that she seems to think I'm a horrible child and need therapy (maybe even institutionalism), I couldn't handle her anymore. She may be my mother, but at that moment the feelings I felt were so horrible that I'm still shaking. Before this, I really thought that we could have some kind of mother-daughter relationship, like the one she has with my sister, but that was shattered. I realize that I am struggling just to keep from being dragged into the dark depths of our clash and that a miracle is needed just to keep me from being estranged from my family... anyways... Reason #2: I have been seeing this for the past two months, dreading it, avoiding it, but noticing it. My friends and I have been drifting apart. And not specific friends, I mean the whole lot... It does not require a great mind and a people reader to see that my friends and I are not on the same level of relationships. For example --> I have one friend who's a guy who I have been pretty good friends with since sophomore year. We chatted almost every day and my friends seemed to think we were flirting (which is totally untrue, if someone I know is reading this). But then he kind of drifted away, especially this year. We never speak and when I hear friends talking about how they were talking to him, I just pretend that we still even acknowledge each other. I'm a very passive person and he usually instigated conversation. But somewhere along the way, something went wrong. And now I find myself in a position that I never wanted to be in. My friends think I am an aggressive person and that I like violence and tease me about being evil and mean and stuff. And it hurts. Every time someone cracks a joke about me being cruel and violent, I laugh it off but I feel like crying inside. Even now, just remembering the number of times people have made jokes about my "aggressiveness", my heart hurts. The truth is that I'm actually a really sensitive and passive person. I forced myself to keep the cover going because that's literally the only way that I still feel connected to my friends. It's pathetic, but my sensitivity would only make them hurt me more. I've been drawing myself back into the dark shell that I started out with and maybe the drifting away isn't either of our faults, but junior year stress, but it gets to me. I know that by proclaiming that I am vulnerable and prone to extreme dark times, I am giving cause for skepticism, but I never realized the amount of sadness I feel. Even when I'm with my best friends, I feel a loneliness (the kind you feel in the middle of a crowd, even of friends). I never had many friends to begin with, and the ones I have don't really understand me, but I love them, even if there are tension-filled moments of argument... So with all the relationships in my life that are eroding and being shoved into a closet, I've been pushing myself into the things that give me momentary joy. Mostly watching tv and movies that take me away from the shitty situation I'm in, and listening to beautiful music in a way that fills my body so I can't feel the darkness creeping in. I can promise that I will never end my life, or hurt myself, that isn't my way. But I yearn for the days when I was carefree and happy with everything I had, the days when I was considered the happiest person, the days when I was an optimist and the friend people wanted and turned to. Now... I feel like a shell of myself, I feel that this vulnerability and willingness to let myself be teased will one day destroy what I consider myself. please please please never let this happen to you... anyone out there who might come across this place. peace misti

Us Sophomoric Sophomores...

Well I'm a sophomore now... Wow so much work! It's tiring, especially since my social life is 'booming'. I think I get maybe two hours per week when I can really sit back and do absolutely nothing... I like being busy, but since I can't drive yet, my parents get irked by my social life. I get irked by the fact that my life is being taken over by practice practice SAT's. It balances out. You can see why I haven't blogged in a while... going costume shopping tomorrow :) I'm going to be the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland... my friends are trying to persuade me I need to dress slutty *cough cough* :-/ maybe I'll hide in the bookstore instead... I have decided that if I ever find myself in a position to, I will join a marching band =] so much fun... And my friends and I have decided we going on a trip to Europe after we graduate, way to be looking ahead. Anwyways, I better get some sleep if I want to get up before 9... :P why on a weekend? Because I can't help but wake up early... I'm crazy, I know... Peace!

~ Blu*

Spirit Week

Well it's Spirit Week! Sadly us freshmen (WOOT WOOT! :P) lost, partially. On Monday, we epically failed, Tuesday kinda, Wednesday we ..... WON! and today we got 2nd... I'd say we're doing pretty good. But what can you expect? We're the class of 2013!!! YAY!! Tomorrow is the Spirit Rally and since the theme is Glee, we have a Glee Skit! I'm in it! It's pretty fun, but we do a lot of running... like a workout :P okay, kinda done now, update you on Spirit later! Peace! ;P

~ Blu*

Special Week

This week is a special week, because first of all, I have to spend two and half day with my aunt and uncle; I'm skipping school on Friday because; three I'll be a flight ALONE to LA on Thursday... oh plus I'm in the class spirit skit and I won't be there on friday to rehearse... yikes! :/ But that's all I can write at this second, because my FB notifications are berserk and I need to fix them!!! Peace!

~ Blu* ( and may the force be with you ;)

Bad Day :(

Wah, today's a bad day.... :( I think that I deserve a spring break... a very looooooong break..... pooh... First, I got in trouble because I had the wrong card for the camera, so now I have to have a talk with my teacher and I might be on probation for Yearbook. Plus I have way too many tests this week and I am OVERWHELMED! And I really want to stay in Yearbook....... And I have to make a choice for this weekend about whether to go skiing with my cousins who are going to move to India in a month or have a sleepover with friends I haven't seen in 5 months. My life is too complicated for a 9th grader. And nobody can understand, because I can't put it into words... my heart is heavy, and that is all I can say. *sigh* :( Peace!

~ Blu*

Food and Aztecs

Food and Aztecs, completely unrelated; but in my mind, they are two very closely related subjects right now. Right now I am having a brain freeze, due to the extreme ice-cream feast I had ten minutes ago (actually it was only one bowl, but it felt like a feast). The creaminess of the white, speckled vanilla plus the dark richness of the chocolate syrup made me smile... but now I have brain freeze... and I'm writing an essay on Aztec sacrifice and Egyptian mummies... did I mention that I have to describe the sacrifices??? :| yikes! But it's all good, 'cause I finished most of it and tomorrow is just the rough draft, so it won't be perfect anyways. I think that some people are hypocrites, calling Aztecs barbarians and cannibals because they ate the sacrifices, while they are in wars because they want power... -_____- not a very good reason. My friends and I (<-- lookee, good grammar! :D) were looking at tons of shoes and brands online, and I realized that I barely knew any brands... wow... so now my friend is teaching me all the brands and I'm going to be looking at 4" heels :O. Very glad I don't have to wear those!! scary........ :/ Oooooooh, there was another earthquake in LA. Lol, that reminded me; our class prez told us a joke about two geologists studying a fissure in a rock. One says to the other, "It's not my fault." harharhar... :) I've been watching Japanese dramas lately, they're pretty addicting. Here's the link: Don't get too addicted (if you do, you didn't get it from me ^-^) Okay, I have to go sleep now! Byeeeesssssss (heart, since it won't let me put one :P)Peace!

~ Blu*

Haiti

Hey guys just wanted to give you all a heads-up about Haiti. I hope you're all doing whatever you can to help! I just bought the Hope for Haiti album on iTunes of which 100% goes to Haiti relief. Also, there are so many sites online where you can donate. I would choose the more known ones, like Red Cross and Yahoo has a page of where to donate to. So hopefully, you can get the word out to help the people of Haiti. There have been so many earthquakes and aftershocks and they need all the help they can get. Peace on Earth :)

~Blu*