Junyyaarrrrrrr

Yes... yes I am a junior... SPOILER ALERT: this post is a lot bit depressing so if you expect the usual happiness, I can fully say that I am in a dark mood and needed a bit of releasing... It's not like anyone really reads these, I just find that publishing these to the public eye makes me feel better, even if it is rather anonymous. so.. I might as well start. Reason #1 for dark mood: my mother... I would swear if I could, but I'd never go as far as to say any so horrible about her. I know she thinks she's "helping me get on the right track" but that's total bullshit. And the horrible terrible thing that happened today confirms my sad but self-diagnosed theory that she could very well be the reason that I would go insane. And I mean literally insane. Today she came back from a retreat and said hi. I was on a website (9GAG) and she saw one post and went ballistic about how my mind is in the gutter and I'm a horrible person and she kept comparing me to a child sitting in the gutter eating garbage... seriously? People do worse things everyday and they talk about it like normal people. (lemme just declare that there is absolutely nothing wrong with watching... well you know... it's just a way to release tension and stuff. Personally I would hate it if my life revolved around sex, but that is the sad truth of this world) I think I snapped. Just from her insinuations that I'm doing horrible things, her lack of trust in me, my past (traumatizing) experiences of this nature, and the fact that she seems to think I'm a horrible child and need therapy (maybe even institutionalism), I couldn't handle her anymore. She may be my mother, but at that moment the feelings I felt were so horrible that I'm still shaking. Before this, I really thought that we could have some kind of mother-daughter relationship, like the one she has with my sister, but that was shattered. I realize that I am struggling just to keep from being dragged into the dark depths of our clash and that a miracle is needed just to keep me from being estranged from my family... anyways... Reason #2: I have been seeing this for the past two months, dreading it, avoiding it, but noticing it. My friends and I have been drifting apart. And not specific friends, I mean the whole lot... It does not require a great mind and a people reader to see that my friends and I are not on the same level of relationships. For example --> I have one friend who's a guy who I have been pretty good friends with since sophomore year. We chatted almost every day and my friends seemed to think we were flirting (which is totally untrue, if someone I know is reading this). But then he kind of drifted away, especially this year. We never speak and when I hear friends talking about how they were talking to him, I just pretend that we still even acknowledge each other. I'm a very passive person and he usually instigated conversation. But somewhere along the way, something went wrong. And now I find myself in a position that I never wanted to be in. My friends think I am an aggressive person and that I like violence and tease me about being evil and mean and stuff. And it hurts. Every time someone cracks a joke about me being cruel and violent, I laugh it off but I feel like crying inside. Even now, just remembering the number of times people have made jokes about my "aggressiveness", my heart hurts. The truth is that I'm actually a really sensitive and passive person. I forced myself to keep the cover going because that's literally the only way that I still feel connected to my friends. It's pathetic, but my sensitivity would only make them hurt me more. I've been drawing myself back into the dark shell that I started out with and maybe the drifting away isn't either of our faults, but junior year stress, but it gets to me. I know that by proclaiming that I am vulnerable and prone to extreme dark times, I am giving cause for skepticism, but I never realized the amount of sadness I feel. Even when I'm with my best friends, I feel a loneliness (the kind you feel in the middle of a crowd, even of friends). I never had many friends to begin with, and the ones I have don't really understand me, but I love them, even if there are tension-filled moments of argument... So with all the relationships in my life that are eroding and being shoved into a closet, I've been pushing myself into the things that give me momentary joy. Mostly watching tv and movies that take me away from the shitty situation I'm in, and listening to beautiful music in a way that fills my body so I can't feel the darkness creeping in. I can promise that I will never end my life, or hurt myself, that isn't my way. But I yearn for the days when I was carefree and happy with everything I had, the days when I was considered the happiest person, the days when I was an optimist and the friend people wanted and turned to. Now... I feel like a shell of myself, I feel that this vulnerability and willingness to let myself be teased will one day destroy what I consider myself. please please please never let this happen to you... anyone out there who might come across this place. peace misti